So today exactly one year ago my mom transitioned into whatever it is that happens when your shell, your body is no longer viable. I say transition because I do not subscribe to the belief that when you die that that’s that.. Some people do and that is fine, but in my reality that is not how it goes. I subscribe to the belief that we are here on a mission. What that mission is was not clear to me until recently… until it hit close to home.
Our mission is and I am going to put it in simple terms here, our mission is to get our heads out of our asses and live!
You may say to yourself? Huh? Isn’t that what I am doing right now?
Well I am not going to sit here and assume how people are living their lives but I will tell you what I was doing. I wasn’t living.
I was stuck in trauma
I was stuck in resentment
I was stuck in fear
I was stuck in anger
I was stuck
And all of that combined made up a life… that I thought was life..
The trauma, resentment, fear and anger where a recipe for depression and anxiety and that label (I am going to repeat this before anyone takes my experience personally this is MY experience, that has nothing to do with anyone so if you feel defensive I suggest to stop right here or listen but be warned that I am not in the least bit interested in going back and forth with anyone in their feelings about this.. Once again this is just my story.. Alright? OK!)
So that label of anxiety and depression made me feel like it was out of my control, like It was just something I was going to have to live with forever until maybe I decided to manage it with medication. I wasn’t interested in that but I was most definitely interested in medicating it with alcohol and self pity I subscribed to that just fine.
SO in my misery of depression, anxiety and alcoholism I was going through the motions of life but I wasn’t living.
Eckhart Tolle describes it as the “pain body” and that pain body likes to feed and its appetite was
Control, more alcohol, more fear, more anger, more resentment more more more of all that..
I have always wanted to help others but I wasn’t helping myself You see the pain body isn’t the enemy… the pain body is the part of you that actually needs the love but not from others but from oneself.
SO back to my main point..
When my mom died, something in me switched, her dying was a HUGE deal, that’s my mom! That’s the vessel that brought me to this earth and she was gone!!... immediately though I knew she wasn’t gone, maybe it was denial, maybe it was intuition she couldn’t be gone…
I could have spiraled into a very deep depression and very rightfully so but at that point I no longer had the energy to even do that, my pain body was full. The wise universe had already put things into place well before my mom had died and through the help of a friend I had started exploring inner child healing and the same universe had put a therapist that helped with that and I can get into details of that later but all of this made me realize that I could no longer go down. I had to make my mom's death make sense and so I had to make her death worth something and that something was for me to be better! For me to make her proud, for me to live the life as I currently have in this body as fully as possible because I realized that NONE of us are permanent yet we act like we are!
SO I chose to live life!!
I quit drinking, started reading, doing therapy, searching and here we are 1 year later
I am practicing no longer being angry and resentful, I am practicing no longer letting fear keep me from living life, I am practicing no longer needing to control others' perceptions of me.
I say practicing because no one wakes up one day being a master at all that, I have good days and bad
The bad ones are scary, I sometimes fear that I am going to go back into that dark place mentally, but that is my all or nothing mentality that is also something I am practicing on..
NONE of this is easy.
But ALL of this has been worth it.. Because I am starting to get glimpses of what living really living is like..
Living is not being weighed down by that that does not serve me.
Living is finding gratitude even in the bad stuff (Not forced, believe it or not gratitude for bad stuff eventually finds you I will probably speak on this more next week as I feel like this is important
Living is that concha dipped in coffee, seeing a sunrise and breathing in that cold air and feeling ALIVE AND PRESENT!!
Living is being present so that the moments of pure simple joy don’t pass you by because
That is what we are here to do!! TO LIVE!!
Because before you know it you too will transition into what is unknown…
And what I don’t want for myself or for any of you is to be on that deathbed realizing that we had our eyes closed throughout the whole ride and we were on it, but didn’t experience it.
Life is simple… we just complicate things.
I am very grateful today that my mom transitioned into the unknown, so that I learned to appreciate what I have in front of me..
She gave me life again… and I hope this inspires you to live too!
Until next time..
Please…. Go fill your fountain!
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